What makes a person keep going when there doesn't seem to be any promise of an ending to struggling? I need to find that 'what' and keep it in my pocket. Or perhaps convince myself that any old thing contains this elusive reason for striving, pushing, persisting?

Life seems empty to me. I could get up and go to work tomorrow, but what is accomplished? Money is earned. Bills are paid. Existence sustained. Living is dull and monotonous and there is no real love among people. Love for blood shared. Love for time given. Love for image presented. Love for the sake of who is watching. Love for the sake of who is listening. Love who is chosen. Love who appears good. Love who fits criteria. And it never ends.

Nothing is real. Do we ever actually scream? There has to be other people who feel this prison, this trapped existence. Why is everyone a politician? I think I will never see anything more than a silk bloom, a plastic stem, among the living. Such deceptive replications of humanity we all are. Pod people, the living dead.

I want it to stop. The original hyperactive child bouncing forward unyieldingl life moves through yesterday as this day and the one which will follow much too soon for my liking. Once I wanted life to slow, to cease for moments which deserved to be cherished. Now my skin is lead, keeping me from moving with ease through a day, and rest is the mirage which propels me through the drudge of dawn through dusk.

I stopped at a stop sign this afternoon. Somewhere between the stop and the heaviness of my heart, I lost awareness of my right foot, so acceleration delayed. I was content to watch the remainder of my life from the stop sign. I looked forward through the glass and saw a journey with hidden quicksand and traps sure to snare me. It seemed good to just exist at the stop sign for as long as air alone would sustain me.....and then the rear view mirror whispered a reason to look behind, to change my mind. Waiting for a turn at the stop sign, though with expectation of a more temporary stay than my own, was a vehicle, a person. For the sake of someone traveling behind, I move forward.

Never let it be said that I dammed the flow of life....but couldn't you all just go around me?

Well, I messed up! I just accidentally deleted the template I had for this page, and when I attempt to upload the copy I had of it, the page is blank. I want to create my own, though. If anyone out there knows where I can go to get SIMPLE instructions for creating my own Blogger layout, please message me! Thanks in advance!

It's futile to fault someone for being who they are, so what do you do when you find that intersection during a relationship in which you realize that the person you love isn't the person you will spend your life with? Do you continue the journey down the wrong road for as long as you can, hoping perhaps you can convince them to turn around and go your way with you? Do you say goodbye and continue on? The latter seems more productive for all concerned. I've reached this intersection....at least, I believe I have. I attempt to be so idealistic, but my rational nature always wins out. Why do I love so easily? Why not keep my heart locked away and create an intensive obstacle course for someone to complete before receiving love from me? It would be so much safer. Nonetheless, I cannot live in the moment....can't pretend we have forever when I see the separation looming close. I need to think, need to discover where to place the pain.

So, I haven't blogged in quite some time. I'm gonna totally free-form this one. My mind is jumbled lately. Let the blog reflect. I got laid off from my job and haven't been too sucessuful in securing other employment. Kinda got me in a funk. Something about the routine of going someplace everyday makes life move along steady. Now the days are melding into one encompassing unproductive moment in my life. To that let's add my growing distaste for all things "Christian." I am so sick of the lies. Make no mistake, I believe Jesus is my savior. I know Him. I just don't know all these other people claming to be of Him. I'm at the edge of a cliff here and it's not me that I'd like to go over the side. I know that sounds horrible. It is horrible. Why do we hide? What's the point? Why keep up the facade of perfection? I know there is the constant mantra, "I am no perfect Christian," but that's not the the mentality truly projected. Such pressure to preform, to be a "good Christian." Whatever.....I'm not going back to atheism, but I'm well on my way down a path that isn't carved by plastic smiles and quoted love. There has to be a remanant. Where are they?